Can he see me?
It's been two years...
It's been two years since I had had enough.Two years since I stopped being a punching bag in the name of love. Two years of learning to love myself. Two years since I started choosing me. Two years since I left the "love of my life." Two years since I found out her birthday. I had loved him with a fire unlike anything I had ever felt before. Unlike anything I had ever known, only seen it on TV or read about it in a book. A love so consuming I could not see anything but his face. A love so consuming I could not breathing without exhaling his name. A love that burned to the depths of my soul. Have you ever loved someone so much, that you'd give them your life? You would give them your life for them to do as they please, all the while begging for them to cherish it and not break you? Have you ever given your entire being and told them to have their way? I mean loved them so much they if they needed a kidney, a lung, a heart, it was theirs for the taking. A love that knew no ends that did not lead to the smile on their face? Have you ever been told that it still wasn't good enough? That they needed more from you? That the love you are given pales in comparison to the gum on their shoe? Have you ever had your love spit on by the one you love, but not when it was on fire, but because it was in the way? Have you ever been pregnant when it happened?
There I was pregnant with his baby, his "second chance", when I got the news. The problem with Facebook is that everyone has something to prove. What they have, where they have been, who they know and who they are with. Yep, that's how I found out that my world had been shattered. A post on Facebook. It was a picture of them together on the beach for her birthday. It was what I needed. I needed to see that photo, to have proof to his lies. I needed that kick in the pants. I needed an out.
I bet he sees me now!
That's exactly what I took. I took the out that they had given me and started a journey to loving myself. I packed up his belongings and wobbled my pregnant self to his house and bid him adieu. The road started off rocky, but boy am I glad I got on it. I didn't know then that I needed to get my shit together. I did not know that I was worthy of the love I was giving away. I didn't know that I did not love myself. I didn't know that I was choosing everyone except me.
It's been two years...
I can say I am closer to loving myself they way I should be loved. I am learning to choose myself. I am learning how to take care of me. I have learned that the love I had for him was not healthy and very dangerous. I have learned that if you don't chose you no one else will. I am getting to know myself a little more. I have found that I really enjoy being single, and I am learning to trust myself again.
I see me.
It's been two years and I am happy.