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Saturday, June 10, 2017

It's Been Two Years

Can he see me?

It's been two years...

It's been two years since I had had enough.Two years since I stopped being a punching bag in the name of love. Two years of learning to love myself. Two years since I started choosing me. Two years since I left the "love of my life." Two years since I found out her birthday. I had loved him with a fire unlike anything I had ever felt before. Unlike anything I had ever known, only seen it on TV or read about it in a book. A love so consuming I could not see anything but his face. A love so consuming I could not breathing without exhaling his name. A love that burned to the depths of my soul. Have you ever loved someone so much, that you'd give them your life? You would give them your life for them to do as they please, all the while begging for them to cherish it and not break you? Have you ever given your entire being and told them to have their way? I mean loved them so much they if they needed a kidney, a lung, a heart, it was theirs for the taking. A love that knew no ends that did not lead to the smile on their face? Have you ever been told that it still wasn't  good enough? That they needed more from you? That the love you are given pales in comparison to the gum on their shoe? Have you ever had your love spit on by the one you love, but not when it was on fire, but because it was in the way? Have you ever been pregnant when it happened?

There I was pregnant with his baby, his "second chance", when I got the news. The problem with Facebook is that everyone has something to prove. What they have, where they have been, who they know and who they are with. Yep, that's how I found out that my world  had been shattered. A post on Facebook. It was a picture of them together on the beach for her birthday. It was what I needed. I needed to see that photo, to have proof to his lies. I needed that kick in the pants. I needed an out.

I bet he sees me now!

That's exactly what I took. I took the out that they had given me and started a journey to loving myself. I packed up his belongings and wobbled my pregnant self to his house and bid him adieu. The road started off rocky, but boy am I glad I got on it. I didn't know then that I needed to get my shit together. I did not know that I was worthy of the love I was giving away. I didn't know that I did not love myself. I didn't know that I was choosing everyone except me.

It's been two years...

I can say I am closer to loving myself they way I should be loved. I am learning to choose myself. I am learning how to take care of me. I have learned that the love I had for him was not healthy and very dangerous. I have learned that if you don't chose you no one else will. I am getting to know myself a little more. I have found that I really enjoy being single, and I am learning to trust myself again.
I see me.

It's been two years and I am happy.


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Saturday, May 27, 2017

To Potty or Not to Potty

This is the potty Baby Lex has. She is a Fisher Price Baby

Potty training? Maybe! About two months ago, Baby Lex has been taking off her diaper. Usually that's a sign that she is ready to be potty trained. So I bought Baby Lex a potty! Yay! Right? No! She only plays with the potty. She thinks it's fun to sit on and pretend to potty. When she is fully clothed she will sit there a good 10 minutes, but when the diaper is off...zoom! Off like a track meet.

Nothing! Nothing, is happening on the potty! So I've decided to take a different approach. I've decided to start talking about it during everyday conversations. I thought this would make the idea of going to the potty a lot less scary. I thought this was a good idea! 

So, part of introducing it into her everyday life, I've started to get her familiar with the things that would go inside of the potty. When she has poop or pee her diaper I ask her, where is the poop or where is the pee pee? This still seemed like a good idea because she started to identify there is poop or pee pee in her diaper. 

One day she did not have on a oneise nor any shorts. She took her diaper off...then pee peed on the floor. Still thinking this is a good idea, I asked, where is the pee pee? She pointed to it. Excited I said good job! While cleaning up the mess on the floor I asked again, where is the pee pee? She pointed to it again and said "where is the pee pee?" I thought, yay making progress.

This time she had the diaper on, and I asked where is the pee pee? She then got an open bottle of water and poured it on the floor and said, "pee pee!"

What the hell??? Introduction to potty training a fail!! Back to the drawing board. This seemed so much easier with the older two.


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